As journalists, we spend a lot of time at conventions fighting hordes of fans and fellow press representatives for that precious interview with Takada Akemi or Rumiko Takahashi or Stephanie Sheh … In this dog eat dog climate we tend to preserve our sanity by turning the hustle bustle into a game ... yes, a drinking game.

But whereas most drinking games use the imbibing of Dionysian delight as a penalty, our cup of poison is a fluid pint of reward and self-gratification. We had a chance to develop this inebriate test of tolerance over the weekend at this year's Fanime 2001 in Santa Clara.

Technological advances have made elevators fluid, fast and user friendly. However, the inventors never dreamed that two thousand fans encumbered with a dealer's room haul of merchandise shoved into three Bandai bags would jam into one.

When this happens, take a drink for it will be years before you reach your floor. Take two drinks if said fans also stink. Take three if they begin to discuss the technical nuances of anime combat in live action, coming up with lines like, "If I had claws, the fight would be over. It wouldn't even matter that you're bigger. Do you understand? Bam, over in two seconds." Down the bottle if the speaker is over 30.

Take a long drink any time you enter a panel with the words "culture," "parents," "Disney," "fan" "Tenchi" or "yaoi" in the title.

Bring an extra drink to offer the guest of honor whenever the words "Amanda," "Winn" and "Lee" appear in a panel description.

When the press presses into the pressroom, hook your interview bounty with only one question: "Can I buy you a drink?" At which time the targeted guest either accepts, stealing away to the bar for a spirit and a friendly chat, or refuses, at which time you strike him from your roster convinced of a boring interview. If the guest retorts with, "Let me buy you a drink?" allow it.

For every convention volunteer who has to consult someone else about a question, take a drink. Take two if the information you need sits printed on a page behind the information table. Take three if the volunteer then says, "We don't know yet."

Take a drink every time a volunteer answers you with, "Hey, they haven't told me anything. I just got here about five minutes ago."

At the end of the convention, take a drink for every time your press notes include the phrases, "Panel started late," "Problems with the PA system," "Didn't I sleep with her at Akon?" "Wow, another Sailor Moon," or "Damn, it smells."

Take a drink every time an interviewee says, "Ok, this is off the record." Take two drinks if the statement that follows is about the convention staff. Take three if the statement is about ADV. Down the bottle if it's about Stephanie Sheh.

If your answer "It's OK, I'm press" mollifies security's demand that "You can't take alcohol into the Masquerade," "You can't come through this door to the dealer's room" or "Please put your pants back on sir," take a long, satisfying drink.

Though John Osbourne, Matt Greenfield and Carl Macek are much sought after interviews, yield to an interview with the Sailor JAMboree in full regalia ... at the bar.

Kampai!