Further, he said to forget about closing the door, he'd get it later. My whining finally worked. I got what I wanted and didn't have to do something I didn't want to do. The whole notion of world peace paled in comparison to this feat. Now it was time to test the other two whining circumstances.

Claiming to fear nothing earlier in this piece may not have been the entire truth. There is something I fear- cockatoos. My friend, Lilly raises cockatoos; she also knows how I feel about the devil-birds and so expressed surprise when I arrived on her doorstep demanding to see them. Outside of the birdhouse I eyed my avian nemeses with disdain, quivering beneath my stoic demeanor.

The cockatoos, obviously smelling the fear, started shrieking. I couldn't have been more frightened; it was time to whine. "I can't believe I'm doing this!" I screeched in my most whiny of voices. The metallic bars of the cage vibrated violently, Lilly covered her ears and one of the cockatoos dropped dead.

Miracle of miracles, I had finally made a mistake. I forgot to temper my whine voice as I had learned to do from my previous experiments, and, consequentially, had killed one of Lilly's birds. Lilly knelt down to Old Nelly, now prostrate on the floor, a few nervous spasms jostling her lifeless form. The remaining two cockatoos looked forlornly at their fallen comrade.

"Oh no! I've killed Old Nelly! I'm sooo sorry!" I proceeded to whine, killing another of the cockatoos. The last cockatoo, Big 'Un, turned to face me with a look of wrath in his beady eyes. "Ah! Help, help!" I whined, my only defense mechanism.

However, whining didn't phase Big 'Un, who flew straight at me with his amazingly sharp beak. I made it out of the birdhouse, with only a few stitch-worthy gashes in my hand, and slammed the gate, trapping the Hitchcockian beast within. I mumbled a half-hearted goodbye to Lilly whose tears fell gently on the stiffening plumage of her two dead cockatoos.

A grand finale to my whining experiment! When I got home I bandaged my bleeding hand and gingerly typed my report to the Akadot editors: Whining causes death, death leads to peace. Therefore whining could indeed lead to world peace.