Point - Matt
Forget about the once-booming economy, or the glories of online shopping. The internet superhighway has but two worthwhile
off-ramps. The first is this site. Akadot - where anime news is read (uncomfortable pause). The second is "Monkey Hot or Not" -
a segment of
modernhumorist.com. They show you pictures of monkeys in various stages of repose and you answer the all-important
question ... "hot or not?" More precisely you rate the simians on a scale of one to ten, one being a very homely monkey and ten being
me. I've spent many a pleasant afternoon passing judgment on our primate cousins, critiquing the slope of a brow or the gentle curve
of a swollen gland. And I've got to say. Some monkeys are not, but then again, some monkeys are hot.
Which brings us to the question of the day. Can anime characters be attractive? Sure. Even monkeys can be attractive.
By comparison, to other less attractive monkeys. And just last week, Texas law enforcement announced the culmination of a kiddie-porn
sting operation that netted a quarter billion computer pedophiles. Anything can attract some people. Just as some people can be
attracted to anything. Our editor, Luis Reyes, is an example of both phenomenons simultaneously. Are you attracted
to anime characters? And just what kind of people would anime characters attract? What is the attraction for some
writers to use italics? (I don't know・ guess they're just font of them).
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I am not predisposed to fantasizing about cartoons. Yes, I found Bugs Bunny attractive when he wore a dress. And yes, I
dreamed of finding Scooby and Shaggy's hidden stash. But all five-year-olds have those fantasies. The vast majority of my early
childhood exposure to animation came from Mssrs. Hanna and Barbara. Not surprisingly, I developed a very platonic relationship with
my cartoon heroes. Nobody has a crush on Yogi Bear. Except Boo-boo. And Tom Cruise (you didn't hear it here).
But as any normally functioning male can tell you, "Armitage" is no Jane Jetson. Regardless of whether they succeed in their
goal, anime characters are trying to attract me. And some do. Long legs. Big eyes staring up at you from the side of the bed. I
could do without all the blue and red hair - it makes me think of Grover and Elmo. But basically, these girls have all their body
parts in order. Faye Valentine from Cowboy Bebop is flat sexy. And I've already expressed a fondness for Shampoo, both the girl and
the hair tonic. The sailor scouts are nice. I think they're like twelve, which gets us back to the Texas thing, but come on. They
were all drawn by adults. And Pikachu. Pikachu and I could make some crazy, tantric love. Poke-these-balls.
But despite all the best intentions, and breasts unrestrained by the force of gravity, the vast majority of anime pin-up girls
just don't do it for me. Why? Personality. Men care more about personality than they do about pouty lips and perfect skin. Some
men even care more about personality than they do about how a chick looks naked. Granted, there are only two such men still in
existence, and both are kept in captivity by Oprah Winfrey. But they're out there. Bad personalities are turning me off to anime
hotties. That and the thing with the nose. When Charlize Theron gets surprised her nose doesn't disappear. If that was how it
worked then for the love of God would someone surprise Barbara Streisand. If I'm going to work up an attraction to a girl, the last
thing I want is for parts of her face to disappear depending on her mood. Brains disappearing・hat I've gotten used to.
Anime starlets seem to come in two categories. The ultra-submissive shy type and the sword-wielding girl-power model. The
latter is just a bad idea. Hot women and sharp knives. Remember that Bobbit fellow? Plus these girls are always bent on saving the
world. They have sordid pasts rife with heartache and violence. They're cops fighting monsters or robots fighting cops・asically,
they are career girls. When the brassy babes of "Silent Mobius" walk through the front door at the end of the day, all they're going
to want to do is pop a lean-cuisine pizza in the microwave and tell me how hard it is fighting Lucifer Hawks. No thanks. And I'll
pass on the doe-y eyed whisperers as well. High probability of post break-up freak out. You know, crying in public, calling at all
hours. And if you do stay together more than a month, she'll start whispering about her biologic clock.
And that's the biggest turnoff. The talking. This goes for all girls, animated or otherwise. With anime girls you've got two
choices. Either they talk in Japanese with subtitles (yeah, talk dirty to me・ait・ot so fast・'m trying to read) or they talk in
dub. Yikes. Those high voices. And all those weird noises they make to fill in the lip movements. Then they talk real fast for
one line and real slow for another. Stop a moment and imagine the annoyance. Take a cue from the playboy centerfold. Silence is
golden.
Are the images in the centerfold more real than the girls of anime? No. Both are mere constructs of feminine sexuality,
carefully designed to arouse and tantalize. But mere constructs can never take the place of a real flesh and blood woman - one who
will both love and protect you and get you off. No. For that you will need a Labrador and a box of tissues. Or perhaps a
perfect ten baboon. (Matt)